|This page is an experiment in swimming (?) related humor.
If you know of any real swimming jokes/humor please let me know!
|"All the water that will ever be, is right now."
National Geographic, October 1993
|The absolutely perfect name for a masters swimming team: MOIST - Mostly Older Individuals Swimming Together; courtesy of my daughter, Shea and wife, Paula.|
|Click here to view a very special digital clock|
A blonde, brunette and a red-head were trapped on a island 20 miles from shore. The red-head started swimming and got tired after 2 miles and turned around and swam back. Then the brunette started to swim and after 7 miles of swimming she turned back. The blonde jumped in and swam 17 miles got tired and turned back.
How do you kill a blonde?
A blonde, brunette, and red head, all physically fit woman, were crossing a lake in a breast stroke swimming race. The brunette finished first and was followed shortly behind by the red head. Unfortunately, the blonde seemed to be struggling and the life guards were sent in a row boat to rescue her. When she was safely aboard the row boat, the life guards inquired as to why she had such a difficult time crossing the lake. The blonde seemed to grimace and lowered her eyes as she replied I don’t mean to be a tattle-tale, but the other two woman used their arms!
Clinton Goes Swimming
One day the White House agents found that Clinton was using the pool more often than usual. Every day at 5pm the president would change into his bathing duds and jump in the pool. He would then hold his breath and dive to the bottom, staying there for as long as his lungs could hold. He would then come out...take another breath and repeat the procedure. He did ths repeatedly until he was ready to faint and then would crawl out of the pool and continue with his day's work.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Why should you never swim on a full stomach? Because it's easier to swim in water!
Laws of Competitive Swimming
UNIVERSAL LAWS AFFECTING COMPETITIVE SWIMMERS
(much like Sir Isaac Newton’s laws of motion)
*Law of Competitive Gravity*
When left unattended, a swimmer will gravitate to the worst technique possible.
*Law of Inertia*
A swimmer at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by an outside force. A swimmer in motion will tend to rest as soon as possible unless acted upon by an outside force.
*Conservation of Matter*
Matter or Mass can neither be created nor destroyed, except by 11-18 year old females, when it can magically appear in the most inopportune places and quantities imaginable.
When asked to kick rapidly, swimmers tend not to; when told not to kick, swimmers tend to kick rapidly.
*Space, Time Continuum*
When swimming Breaststroke or Butterfly in practice, swimmers hands are attracted to the turning wall, each hand at a different speed, at different times, at different points not in the same plane.
*Laws of Acceleration & Momentum*
The law of acceleration may only apply for 3 minutes after coach reminds swimmer it is important, then the law of Momentum becomes dominant soon to be replaced by the law of Inertia.
*Law of Static Levels*
Swimmers will automatically seek their own comfort level and tend to attract others to so the same.
* Mind over Matter*
The mind can overcome many obstacles during competition but the same does not usually apply during practices.
*Law of Finite Attraction*
Even after carefully explaining the efficiency and effectiveness of an ideal stroke rate, within 3 minutes swimmer will invariably lose the ability to count strokes and think about any related concept. See similar anomaly under Law of Acceleration.
* Relativity *
The position of the swimmer’s body in relation to the position it is supposed to be in, may vary up to +or- 100%.
*Vertical and Horizontal Telemetry *
When rotated 90 degrees from the vertical to supine or sublime position, the brain loses most of its ability to function.
*Historical Principle of Babylon*
Within 3 minutes of the start of coach speaking, the swimmers begin hearing unrecognizable tongues. See similar anomaly under Law of Finite Attraction.
The amount of fluids the bladder can retain is directly proportional to the difficulty of the middle of the current practice set. The same principle seems to apply to ripping caps and broken goggle straps, but no scientific evidence connecting the 3 has been documented.
The Tempos of Swimming
Largo lar•go Swimming adv. adj. 1. In a very slow tempo, usually considered to be slower than adagio, and with great dignity. Used chiefly as a coaching direction. n. pl.
See swimming guy demonstrating swimming tempos below. Also, pay particular attention to uneven tempo.
Bill Gates decided to hold a contest for the lawyers. Whoever wins gets to handle all of Microsoft's business. The day of the event, the Gates' estate is swamped with lawyers, all eager for the nod from the richest man in the world.
|Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask. A post mortuum examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully-clad diver ended up in the
middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was
doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
|Here's a great idea from Ruth Carter just in time for that sweltering Alaska summer weather just ahead. All you need is a truck, some visqueen (a blue tarp would probably work fine...just patch the holes with duck tape), and water. A case or two of brewsky would probably help too.|
Curious Swimming Related (?) Factoids
President Andrew Jackson's favorite sports/hobbies were billiards, swimming, and walking.
Esther Williams did not win any Olympic medals for swimming or for diving. The year she was to compete (1940) the Olympics were suspended due to WWII.
Right now as you sit reading this, more than 100,000,000 microcreatures are swimming, feeding, reproducing, and depositing waste inside that area behind your lips.
|Did you ever wonder why some folks wim faster than others? Click on the image below to find out.||Clicking on the image to the left (several SWAMmers) will allow you to download a 500k QuickTime movie witch shows why some folks swim faster than others.
If you don't have quicktime, you can get it by downloading using the link below.
|Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is tu eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."
Wait for it
Wait for it
"I've seen Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".
|Row Row A Boat!
A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on either side. She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing. She stops the car, rolls down the window and yells, "You know it's blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!" Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screams, "If I could swim I'd come out there and punch you out!"
There are two guys in a life raft. One sees a fin in the water and shouts: "Uh oh, a shark, we'll be eaten alive!!"
The other one says: "Don't worry, the danger of sharks is overrated; every year more people are killed by pigs than sharks."
The first one replys: "I didn't know pigs could swim."
P.S. The statistic is apparently true.
|What do you call a swim team made up of girls named Jennifer?
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
|Copyright 2004 - AKMS
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